Be a little more selfish. It might do you some good.

Talking Heads, “No Compassion”

 

Most of us struggle to balance selflessness and selfishness. By definition we’re selfish, focused on our selves — but unless we’re sociopathic, we also feel desire to help others.

 

But trying to achieve such balance can be a painful trap, an emotional downward spiral, where we measure our virtue using unreasonably critical standards (say, by comparing ourselves to those who seem to be saints) which makes us feel a failure, which then makes us measure our virtue even more critically, which then makes us feel more a failure…

 

But this struggle needn’t be one. Selfishness versus selflessness isn’t a zero sum game, where the more self-centered we are, the less humane we become (or vice versa.) It’s not a competition between opposing parts of a soul.

 

We can be both selfish and selfless. There’s no balance, no righteousness score. 

 

Best, by abandoning zero-sum thinking, actually we can achieve that original hopeful goal — to be more selfless. 

 

How?

 

By being more selfish, of course.

 

Clear as mud?

 

If you want to be more selfless…

 

…be more selfish.

 

Consider:

 

If being selfless is to help others — to try to make our family, community, species or whatever tribe happier and healthier — then a great method for doing that is first make oneself into a more happy, healthy member of that tribe.

 

It’s just common sense. The more cheerful, self-satisfied Winnie The Pooh’s are in a group, the happier and healthier the group is. The more downcast, grumpy Eyeores, the more miserable everyone is.

 

   

 

 

Make sense?

 

And the member of the group you have the most ability to influence is… yourself. 

 

Duh, right?

 

Yes, taken to excess, selfishness can be corrosive. But I’m not talking here about buying a new car or a spending life lying on a couch eating chips as being somehow positive contributions to the wellness of the human tribe. Hell no.

 

But self-indulgence aside, as the saying goes, we can best help others by first helping ourselves.

 

Think about it: Isn’t our selfless goal to make our groups happier?

 

So be selfless. By being selfish. Make yourself happier. Even just a smidgen.

 

And congratulations: If you can move off that zero sum thinking, maybe you’re starting down the path to a quite special place, a type of calmness that Buddhists and practitioners of mindfulness and meditation sometimes call equanimity. Meaning, the ability to purposefully relax a little, step back and detach a bit from the emotional tides constantly battering our psyches to instead, occasionally, contemplate a bigger picture, a more holistic view of the most special gift any of us ever receives: being alive at all. 

 

Then you’re an even more positive contributor to your tribe.

 

How… selfless.

 

Of course, when it comes to our intense personal relationships — marriages, couple-doms, partnerships, BFFs, whatever — sometimes being more selfish can be hard. Some of us are just… too good souls. In the loving interest of not hurting or offending others, we avoid conflict. Even at our own expense. But that type of selflessness really isn’t selfless in the end. It’s not a humble gesture to try to make things better. It’s a way to avoid life, and leaves a difficult situation in place, probably festering and getting worse.

 

No, swallowing one’s pride, or hiding one’s unhappiness, or abandoning ambitions or hopes and dreams, isn’t selfless. It’s selfish.

 

Yes, that means being more vocal, even assertive, gently but firmly insisting one’s needs and desires get met, or sentiments be heard. But if approached with calm, and equanimity, dealing with conflict does not have to involve fireworks. It takes two for a situation to really escalate. Just… don’t be the other one. The strategy is to be resolved and clear, not angry.

 

I think being that type of selfish, and dealing honestly and openly with conflicts, hurts and needs — or at least trying to — is a truly selfless act. For, in the end, two positive things can happen. Either the group or couple successfully deals with some problem, making them/their tribe happier. Or else the issue does not get resolved, but still, you know you were brave, kind and open-hearted, and brought a real conflict into the open and honestly and soulfully tried to create a space for healing — so you feel proud and happier. And that makes you a better member of every tribe, every where, all the time. And this member of the human tribe says, thank you…

 

Still don’t buy it? Well, here are three extremely selfish things people do — things that are entirely focused on the self — that I believe are actually selfless, because doing them makes practitioners healthier and happier members of their couples, families and communities:

 

• Pray
• Meditate
• Exercise

 

Any other selfish, selfless practices that should be on the list?